I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
