Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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