Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
