Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
