Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
