It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
