I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
