Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
