I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
