Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Randomize
