We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
