I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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