Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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