listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
