My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
