is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
