I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
