Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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