I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
