Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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