grandma shit on top of the toilet
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
