he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
