I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
