What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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