so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
