There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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