walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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