my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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