ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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