12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
