I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
vagina is talking i cant
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
