Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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