She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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