How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
