i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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