Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
