The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
