She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
