I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
So vagazzling was a success
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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