When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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