Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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