i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
