I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
