Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
