in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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