She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
