I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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