dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
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