She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Houston, we have a blender
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
