ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
this is an emotional support booty call
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
