she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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